Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.

her: did you wrestle in high school?

me: do my emotions count?

applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”

[On date]

Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant

Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”

Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family

ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.

The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.

Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.

Make me an entire website @funTweeters!

*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*

WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED

Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.

[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”

Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex

Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.

Me: “I peed three times last night”

Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”

Me: “Getting up?”

if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm

People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”

People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”

Him: How was your day?

Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.

They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot

Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S

FRIEND: I miss hugging people

ME: Probably a depth perception issue

I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out

What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.

What I should have said: I’ll do better.

What I actually said: You should see my kids.

Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?

Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.

My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.

Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze

Me: please put your pants back on

this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?

someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.

He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.