Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…

NEVER. AGAIN.

I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.

[single drop of rain falls on ground]

Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.

today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time

ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done

My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.

*Victorian letters to Santa*

My dearest Santa,

I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.

*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*

I would like an orange.

date: I like guys who are not afraid to show their artistic side

me: [to waiter] can I get a crayon and kid’s menu

Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.

🔥🔥

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

looking at weird sushi roll names and uh

Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.

Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.

My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.

[Knock at the door]

Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?

Mary: What’s he done this time?

Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.

Surgeon: scalpel.

[patient hands him scalpel]

Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.

Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.

ufo crew: why are we hovering?

ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs

ufo crew: why not land?

ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted

Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…

Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.

Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!

They say don’t try this at home… so I’m coming over to your house to try it.

The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again

What do you call clean German cabbage?

Shower-kraut.

#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.