Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Freezing cake does not impede eating.

Stiff calories are still delicious.

Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.

0/10. Do not recommend.

Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.

Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar

Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird

Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza

Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.

To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”

Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks

*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..

Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.

If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.

ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol

Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.

[Later]

Her: You passed our stop.

Me: I am aware.

at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever

Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.

Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.

I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.

My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me

ALERT

At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.

Last seen in the word “Let’s”.

If you see it, please send it home.

Its tweet misses it.

Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.

[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*

“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”

*Hipsters clear*

This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today

Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!

Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!

Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.

No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”

A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.

That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.

I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet

*on hold for over an hour

That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.

Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?