Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.

Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.

Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player

Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married

Interviewer: and you?

Me: distracted her husband with an interview

need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it

I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.

My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.

What I heard: You should go shopping.

Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste

Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it

[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back

Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭

Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.

I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.

Just gonna catch up and tackle him.

Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.

These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?

I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*

*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

Baby, it takes two to tango

But only one to tequila.

we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us

*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f

“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR

Kids: the floor is lava!

Me: *slowly rolls off couch*

😂😂😂😂😂😂

Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *

a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”

6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.

Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.

Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”

Does laundry while drinking

*somehow washes a lampshade

Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird

sales assistant: oh not you again

You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.