Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The police never think its as funny as you do.

Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?

Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.

Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”

Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.

Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.

Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had

I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?

Husband: can I have a taste?

Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it

We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?

[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]

“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”

I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.

Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.

Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.

me: do you serve crabs here?

waiter: yes, we do

my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally

Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.

Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books

me: ahh vacation

brain: time to relax

me: no work

brain: well it’s still there

me: stop

brain: just… waiting

me: please

brain: g r o w i n g

me: no

Life hack :

Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.

Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!

Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.

New guy: I really like your name

Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday

The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?

Wonder which of us he was referring to?

*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*

My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.

*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill

*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*

If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.