Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it

instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..

[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]

Me: what is this

Climate: change

brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]

My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.

if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.

Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.

Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭

You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:

Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house

Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.

*in court*

judge [belches]: pardon

me: thank you!

4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee

There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.

And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.

IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*

the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly

Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.

My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ

This feels like a totally reasonable reaction

#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty

My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.

my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”

so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD

You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”

How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea

Me: *rocks boat*

Her: Hey!

Me: *rocks faster*

Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?

Me: I do.

My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”

if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you

*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.

[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]

Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!

Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women

If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…

me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-

british gas: