Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon

Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?

Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL

My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.

Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)

This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”

Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social

Doctor: *eyes wide*

Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time

If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.

Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.

7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.

“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”

Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?

Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.

*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*

My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!

Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!

[taking my date for a walk in the woods]

HER: this sure is a dense forest

ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell

Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream

Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.

Bon appetit!

doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking

Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking

Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.

I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.

I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.

Seriously why do people do this to themselves?

My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby

I turn 25 in two weeks

Them: Why are you single?

Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.

GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT

we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool

Gorilla vs. cold water 😂

6: you’re going 75

Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit

6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!

Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway

Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”

Trinity: but why though

Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”