Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked
You Might Also Like
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*