When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
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I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
This could be us but you eatin’
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all