Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.

My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.

ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.

Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.

*one minute after turning out light*

My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.

The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.

I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.

Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.

People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.

Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana

Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had

I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.

I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen

[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good

What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.

the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person

Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.

[Getting ready to go out]

Her: Is that what you’re wearing?

Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.

If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.

I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.

Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!

me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?

“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???

Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?

Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.

“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!

Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.

If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name

I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”

That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it

[road trip]

Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!

Kid: but

Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND

Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”