Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker

Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.

In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.

That way the search dogs will find you first.

What to do when threatened by a bear:

1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.

One of my kid’s friends was talking about how he told his dad about a cool new group called Bon Jovi

No you didn’t, 9 year old lol

*me in the shower*

My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.

Me: WHAT!

[returning toothpaste]

Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.

I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad

💁🏻‍♂️

I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.

realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”

My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.

if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast

Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.

C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.

Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.

*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh

IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck

If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.

Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments

Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..

Guess what!

Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!

And nobody likes Mexicans!

Big deal! Who cares!

8: What’s this music?

Me: The Ramones, do you like it?

8: No, it sounds too easy to do.

Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?

I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.

Grandpa: Who’s that guy?

Me: Captain America.

Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.

Me: No, that’s Thor.

Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?

Me: Um… Yes?

Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.

My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.

If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.

Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.

Me: So you’re like, standing?

Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.

Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.