Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
You Might Also Like
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
woke up on the wrong side of the jed today
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you