Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.

*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!

Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.

A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.

If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.

I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.

Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.

Him: why do you keep poking me ?

Her: I’m looking for the mute button

mood

My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.

Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder

“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”

“Relax, grandma.”

*furiously knits a condom*

“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”

The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.

Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.

My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.

“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”

Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?

FRIEND: do you drive stick?

ME: no I drive car.

Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.

People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”

God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?

Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.

God: *Starts giggling*

Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?

God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*

Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..

God: And you cant speak.

[Incoherent bird noise]

PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask

ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged

Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?

JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back

Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.

I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.

People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.

relationship status:

[ ] single

[ ] taken

[X] waiting for the spaceship to return

Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.

My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.

My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.

Me [aghast]: My child?

Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.

Much healthy.

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what’s your location

me: i’m in the cockpit

control tower: i mean where is the airplane

me: mainly behind me