Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
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“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!