Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Ordering Chinese Food

Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby

My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”

On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.

No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.

I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late

Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.

Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.

*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy

If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.

Science.

What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.

I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.

my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it

First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count

You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.

WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume

[person having normal conversation with me]

Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response

We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids

If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.

The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?

Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.

I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.

Time for a new house.

[homeschooling]

ME: what is 345 minus 127?

DAUGHTER: 218

ME: *filling out tax form* thanks

date: what are you thinking about

me: fall should be spelled fa//

date:

me:

date: fell should be spelled fe_ _

*we kiss*

They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: ok

ME: APRIL FOOL’S

My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.

Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.

Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.

Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?