Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.

Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?

You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.

A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.

Leia: I love you.

Han: I know.

[gets frozen in carbonite]

[two years pass]

[gets unfrozen]

Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”

Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–

Me: *sprays insect repellent*

Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.

Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.

Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.

*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.

I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.

Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.

[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama

“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.

How is that even science fiction?

They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?

Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.

I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.

He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.

Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?

Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly

Son: the devil made me do it

Me: what did I say about that

Son: not to call my sister the devil

😂🤣😂🤣

There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive

Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual

After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.

my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt

me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger

him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band

I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.

DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool

I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in

-My dog, all day long.

Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.

-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?

Um, like…to dinner.

-Cool, cool.

I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.

If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste

#have a #great #PancakeDay

Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.

Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.