Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
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me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
If you don’t have personal demons, store bought is fine.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
👽
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste