Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it

Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.

Teacher: Why are you late?

Boy: My fish died.

Teacher: What fish?

Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.

me: point taken lol

guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening

What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.

Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.

Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.

I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”

my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it

I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am

I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.

A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.

Me, trying to settle down in bed.

My dog: Raises head high, sniffs repeatedly, then intently stares directly over my head for a good 10- 15 seconds, then shoves his head under a pillow.

Anyone know an exorcist?

This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.

Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.

Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.

me: I’d like some ham please

server: ok how much

me: I really really want it

i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”

[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?

Them: Who hurt you?

Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile

My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona

It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.

[buried under a pile of geese]

Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.

*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me

You two just need to get out more.

– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice

*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*

I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.

Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.

I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.

GUY: looks like your truck could use some work

ME [patting it]: indeed

GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?