Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4: I need my princess dress NOW!

Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!

4: Who are you talking to?

Me: Your servants

4: I don’t have servants

Me: Exactly

Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.

@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck

There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.

An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.

I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.

I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them

I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister

At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.

Pro debating tip:

Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.

Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*

Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?

Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR

-No, there isn’t a town called ”Garbage” anywhere in England, stop looking at that map. I hate to break this to you, but when our neighbors called you ”King of garbage” that wasn’t a compliment

I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.

Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.

I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it

A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.

If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”

[First Date. Full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

I want to know about the Oreo incident…

Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No

“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.

what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????

There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.

A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.

I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are

“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom

I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust