BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
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Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Did you know cats are called cats because they鈥檙e roughly half the size of cattle?
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we鈥檙e supposed to bring a dessert.
I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it
Checkmate Jesus.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Everyday is leg day when you鈥檙e running from your problems
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
What do you hear?
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
I hate when I think someone鈥檚 funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 馃檨
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
[First Date]
Her: I鈥檓 instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we鈥檝e never met who has a disease we鈥檝e never heard of
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor