Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband has officially reached peak dad status.

Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.

HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?

Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.

All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.

ME: Tell me my future.

PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.

ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!

Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.

God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL

Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.

I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player

Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.

I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.

[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?

GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH

ME: *trying to highlight text*

WORD: and the last letter of previous word?

ME: no, why? just follow my cursor

WORD: ok so just half this word?

ME: the whole word

WORD: k

ME: wtf

WORD: oops

ME: the word is gone

WORD: the word is gone

Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?

Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.

Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.

LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡

When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours

A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.

The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.

The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room

Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.

A cabbage a day keeps people away.

If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.

For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.

STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?

PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.

I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.

ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.

DAUGHTER: Chad.

ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.

Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.

introverts be like “i know a place” then they go home

gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination

the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂

Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.