boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
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Sign at work today
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
me: did you have fun on your playdate?
my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.