Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in

There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.

In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.

I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.

Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…

So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.

What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?

My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.

I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.

Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick

Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?

Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.

A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.

God I hate these crossword puzzles

Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?

911: 911

Me: I’m being chased

911: in your car?

Me: no in theirs

911: wh—

Me: how do I turn the sirens on?

i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…

Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.

hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.

“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”

This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.

The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.

My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”

My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

[Trying to hire a hitman]

“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”

At a business meeting:

“How about SuperCupid?”

“No, expectations will be too high”

“GreatCupid?”

“Lower”

“Uhhh, OKCupid?”

“Brilliant”

what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava

I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”

When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.