boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
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a test & 10-day waiting period before you can use an apostrophe
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.
I just want to be as happy as these people singing about diabetes medication
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.