Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.

if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados

Computer: Choose a password.

Me: 9Df6akt86lpd

Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.

Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.

i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening

My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.

staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house

[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]

Beavers: Booooo!

Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.

@ candidates for local office

Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*

#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers

*Rubs lamp*

*Nothing happens*

Where’s the genie?

*Takes off lampshade*

What’s wrong with this thing?

Puts myself out there

Puts myself back bc wtfff

*sees oven left on

“What moron left the oven on!?”

*tries repeatedly to turn it off

“WTF!? Stupid oven!”

*realizes 425 is the time

I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.

The beauty industry:

For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen

For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow

when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”

I can’t tell if this character in the movie I’m watching is a villain or just German.

Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.

Me: what makes you say that?

Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?

Wife: see what I me-

Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.

Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists

Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL

“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.

This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller

My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.

Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000

Papa John:

Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes

Papa John: And that’s…

Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas

ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store

ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya

ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

PRODUCER: You mean a choir?

ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?