Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed

Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.

I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes,  I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”

Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.

I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.

Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.

*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.

The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.

[after the flood]

noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends

god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow

noah: that doesn’t really help

god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends

i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.

At what age should you put the tonsils back in

Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?

[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.

Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.

Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being

Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-

Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters

[post sex]

Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad

Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon

[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real

Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.

Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.

Me: This isn’t going to work out.

Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.

Damn chess infection 😕

My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”

When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”

Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.

Me: *opens fridge*

Dog: you gonna finish that

JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all

GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this

CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*

Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.

After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.

[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”

The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua

I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

mathematically impossible