BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
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Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
It was worth a shot 😂
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
These aliens are taking forever.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.