BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
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business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
I WON A HAM TODAY
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
#parenting
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Remember, when a package says “sharing size”, that’s just a guideline. They have no enforcement mechanism
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”