Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.

it’s hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months

(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?

Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.

Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.

“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”

I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.

My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5

Just tried to put my seatbelt on.

AT MY DESK.

I’m pretty.

Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?

I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.

[at hair salon]

Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!!

[in car two minutes later]

Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair

Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.

whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps

“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.

Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊

The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.

There’s no such thing as Sasquatch

Those are just men who live with shedding cats

Me: *singing*

Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”

He was driving.

Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?

Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.

“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.

Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end

The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.

Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere

The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.

Me: Good night Moon

Moon:

Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!

Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose

The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:

– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us

Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.

literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia