Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
You Might Also Like
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.
Me: No, cakes are expensive.
Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!