Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered

Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.

how to exercise your calf muscles

Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!

I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.

damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place

Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.

I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.

I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat

If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?

😂👽

Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.

A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.

I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.

My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.

Worked great!

Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know

recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro

cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow

My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..

This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday

This evening, I’m learning to play the drums

My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.

Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.

people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground

Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.

[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away

You are my people

me: for lent i’m giving up kids

kids: what?

me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God

A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.

Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”

You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.

Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.