BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
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Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded