Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.

if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel

My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.

If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.

[War of 1812]

American: Let’s invade the British North.

Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?

A: idgaf

LATER:

Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos

Best bird cliques…

A “murder” of crows

A “flamboyance” of flamingos

A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished

So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter

me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”

Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.

DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?

Help

I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.

My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.

Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.

I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.

This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.

captain: any leads in the diarrhea case

detective: nothing solid

Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell

I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.

subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog

A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.

It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.

The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.

me: I put a siren on your car

cop: what’s that soun–

*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*

My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.

ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted

Good morning.

Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.

But I stand by my advice.

[Subway]

ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*