Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.

Mortician: Please put that back.

Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.

I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world

Good luck with my paper jam, next person.

Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face

When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.

I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER

Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.

DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.

My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.

Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?

God: Lighten up drama queen.

if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle

My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.

I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!

ㅤ

i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs

Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.

Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.

Brain: Yeah, but you do.

good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room

Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.

who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies

*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™

I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.

A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.

[God creating the stingray]

Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”

No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.

God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.

Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.

Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?

Only in case of fire?

Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.

King: the rebels are revolting

Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that

King: no, no, I mea-

Rebels: why king