BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
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Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out