Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
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He just like my cat fr
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
I accidentally convinced people at work that I know what I’m doing and now I’m fighting for my life
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon