Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a lot to unpack here

My love for my kids is like my data plan:

Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.

[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.

Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.

My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee

Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:

WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat

I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece

doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips

me: [struggling] nope

doctor: try without the stilts

15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.

Parenting:

1st kid: Document their every move

2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time

Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃

What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?

WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind

ME: Duh

[later at party]

ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?

I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!

Me *putting honey on toast*

Son: do you know bees make that?

Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot

[Later]
Date: tell me something interesting

Me: bees make toast

I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.

I block people for being stupid.

…I block a lot of people.

Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?

Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?

I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky

They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”

“You’re acting weird.”

First of all, I’m not acting

6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?

*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*

M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.

Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.

M: Yes, yes it is.

Netflix: Should I play this movie?

Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second

Netflix: I’ll put it on

Me: I’m just literally reading what it is

Netflix: It’s playing 🙂

Tastes victory

Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!

When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?

The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault

Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal