Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.

Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.

[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*

“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement

Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.

me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream

wife: what did he say?

me: he kept laughing at me

Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.

I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.

My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”

I pointed to my daughter.

Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.

“Can I get a umm…”

-every person ever at the drive thru

[god creating kangaroos]

Let’s make a horse rabbit.

Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?

Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.

An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.

[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*

Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?

Me: Chloroform

there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them

if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this

[Swedish massage]

masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*

old twitter is back baby

The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.

Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.

Dracula: Vhere? Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.

Dracula: Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..

Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??

omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client

I want to know about the Oreo incident…

[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]

Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…

Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.

3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.

[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in