Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
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I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
[shakes fist at other fist]
If you like my tweets, please like them and if you don’t like my tweets, please like them by way of letting me know you don’t like them.
If you’re confused by this tweet, please like it, and if this tweet makes no sense, please like it.
Like, if you agree.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together