Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fedex guy: here’s ur package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon

Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?

Amazon Customer Service: …what

[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad

7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait

My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.

When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.

seriously you guys

wife: what’d you do today

me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese

A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit

Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉

Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily

A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.

I’m here all week😬

magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]

8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”

astonishing how whenever you go to the post office the queue in front of you is made up almost entirely of people who appear to have ended up at the post office by accident, have in fact never visited a post office before, and have no idea what they want out of the experience

[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga

crying

So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.

i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue

My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.

My work here is don’t.

For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.

Navy: (subtweets)

Army: (helicoptertweets)

Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.

me: hi do you take walk-ins?

groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?

The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that

Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.

Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!

Her: Pork fried rice??

I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.

4-year-old: Dad?

Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.

4:

Me:

4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?

Now I’m awake.

Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.