Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
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MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
At least my masseuse has my back.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
is this store having a stroke wtf
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries