Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.

Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again

11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?

ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter

11: so we’re poor

M: yes

I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal

[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”

Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”

I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off

Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?

Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.

“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”

Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you

Happy Halloween 🎃

i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket

Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.

[wife walks around the house completely naked]

Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*

Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security

*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”

Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”

How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?

*pulls up pants*

Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?

“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.

Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?

Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?

Me: can I go?

Boss: of course.

Me: [goes home]

Toddler: *crawling across the desert*

Kind stranger: *offers water*

Toddler: No, red cup!

Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.

If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.

The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.

Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night

The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.

[creating anchovies]

God: How can we ruin pizza?