BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
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*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
host: name a famous tattoo artist
me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin
Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.