Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me

wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot

The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.

“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]

Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.

[first date]

Him: I love Asian girls

Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eye

Him: No, not like that

I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.

My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.

I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy

My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.

It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching

Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.

I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.

Adhd brain is amusing.

I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.

9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.

Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway

*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*

Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.

Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.

everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will

Suez Canal: what the hell?

container ship: PARKOUR!

my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again

People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.

At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.

Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!

– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert

kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????

My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time

I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.

I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.

ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!

FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones

ME: i don’t

Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee

Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b

Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment

Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*

Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U