BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
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BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
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My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Hello Twits.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
The human personality is made of five key elements
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ