BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
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ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”