BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
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Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.