BOSS: I want to see you in my office.

ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.

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card machine: insert chip card into reader

me: ok

card machine: do NOT remove card

me: uhh ok i wo-



Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.


the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery


Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this


Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for

Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?


Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.


I just want to make you hot. Mess your hair up. Get your blood flowing. When I chase you around the house over the last piece of pizza.


This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.

His name was John.


me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no


Her: I just don’t like you, no one does
Me: What, why? is it my hair?
Her: no
Her: no, it’s your personality
Me: oh thank god