BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
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Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
So, this is how my day is going. How about you?
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween