Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.

The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.

[cute guy approaches at bar]

Him: Hey can I…

Me: [blushing] Yes?

Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.

I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there

Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.

good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab

It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.

Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin

I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.

I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud

I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.

*Opens Google*

What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”

In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.

Don’t be afraid to love yourself…

…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.

Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.

The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.

7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.

I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.

[during sex]

ME: I’m Italian, how about you?

HER: Finnish

ME: Ok sure just give me a second

Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.

CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1

ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.

*awkward silence

GOD: We NEVER use that word here

So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9

Me: I love you so much

Calories: I love you more

You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.

-whistling you perverts

*slides note across counter*

Cashier (whispers): No problem.

[over intercom system]

“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”

I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts

wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD

My 9yo: the best teacher name at my school is Ms. Huggies.

Turns out her name is Ms. Hughes, but I’m gonna let that one ride for a while.