Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.

Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.

I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.

[liquor store]

Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.

Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*

Him: Oh, it’s you.

Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then

I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.

[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”

My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money

No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?

lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots

[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine

why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”

No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.

We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.

If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old

COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …

[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm

I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.

My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.

that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker

Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?

Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?

Store mannequin:

movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).

i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged

To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”

Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card

“Are you mad at me?”

No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????

I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.

Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”

there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse

I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.

[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok

[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR

Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?