Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.

Her: Just wait.

[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities

My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.

Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”

“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods

YOLO!

Jesus: Hold my wine!

It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.

One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”

After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.

The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”

My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.

Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.

Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.

Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.

“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup

I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend

[sitting on the deck with my son]

Me: look son, everything the light touches-

Son: yes dad?

Me: -you have to mow.

i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”

This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.

just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”

Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.

Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.

Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.

“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles

Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.

My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.

Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.

The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.

I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.

We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.