Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss

*in the car*

7yo: I can count to 100,000

5yo: oh yeah, then do it

me: no

Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours

The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet

I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.

And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.

This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021

*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.

INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich

Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.

Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and

I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.

Updating my dating profile….

My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh

How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”

Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled

Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala

Me: What time should I pick that up?

Breakup? I’m sorry no.

You’re not finished being in love with me yet.

My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.

Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.

Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

Breaking news:

My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

[on the sixth question in two minutes]

4: what does “not” mean

me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.

4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.

Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints

Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.

My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”

i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix

Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.