Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.

Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.

7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?

Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”

Her: I don’t know the future

NEMESIS: i hate you

ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend

NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?

ME: i’ll ask my mom

The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.

Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up

It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”

this is what they would have looked like, though

TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT

My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”

I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.

My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.

Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.

(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn

[first day as lawyer]

me: obj—

judge: —shut up noob

“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”

Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.

The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.

The system crashes on its own.

The human race is saved by shitty programming.

ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”

I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night

Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.

pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”

The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”

The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked

[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry

Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.

Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake

I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.

Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.

[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life

Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello