@ArfMeasures

Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you

Me: ok

Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory

Me: oh no

You Might Also Like

@GorillaNipples1

If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.

@girlnarly

me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente

@spcycucumber

Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated

@LeBearGirdle

Me: hey famous actor Dwayne Johnson, why do they call you the rock?

*Dwayne runs fulls speed at a pond and skips like 15 times*

Me: OH MY

@J0hnnyBlaze

The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”

@TaranKillam

Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–

@ArfMeasures

ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit

@Bob_Heller

I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.

An Asian guy named Glenn?

Please

@tastefactory

Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit

@offbeatoliv

Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley