Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you

Me: ok

Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory

Me: oh no

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If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.


me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente


Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated


Me: hey famous actor Dwayne Johnson, why do they call you the rock?

*Dwayne runs fulls speed at a pond and skips like 15 times*



The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”


Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–


ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit


I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.

An Asian guy named Glenn?



Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit


Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley