Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
You Might Also Like
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Oops I deleted….
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
I
T
H
I
N
KW
ES
H
O
U
L
DR
U
I
NP
E
O
P
L
E
ST
I
M
E
L
I
N
EB
YT
W
E
E
T
I
N
GL
I
K
ET
H
I
SA
L
LD
A
Y
.
.
.
.
.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
where the womens at?
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.