Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
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(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.