Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.

My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004

My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck

A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain

No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.

[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back

Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter

Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.

There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.

I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.

My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.

the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old

Breaking news:

I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.

Here, there, and everywhere.

Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…

Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.

I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.

The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.

ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward

GENE: what is it

ME: hygiene

GENE: hi kev

absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted

wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”

“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”

Them: what book would you take to a deserted island?
Me: idk, “the idiots guide to survival”

Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?

I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious

For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes

A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.

It was an unexpected LAN slide.

MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.

I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.

[first day as police sketch artist]

“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”