Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.

I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.

Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.

I peeled 5 pounds of potatoes. That’s 14 newton-meters for the Europeans

I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls

TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes

You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?

My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom

Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.

If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.

6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀

Me as a news anchor:

an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties

It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase

it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo

Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice

God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try

Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?

pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.

[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]

Waiter: “what can I get u?”

“do u have any eucalyptus?”

*restaurant goes quiet*

After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.

SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.

Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?

Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.

Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.

Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”

Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”

Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”

Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill

Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now

Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king

All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.

HER: my friend katie is single again

ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up

HER: yes!

[later]

DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!

Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in