BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
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Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
My neighbors were arguing and I opened the door to see what was going on and the lady was like “Lower your voice neighbors can hear you” and the man was like “MAN F*CK THAT NOSY A** LADY”
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
me and the Superbowl rn
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.