BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
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Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
we squint at the sun because it’s bright
we squint at people because they are not…
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.