BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
You Might Also Like
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
How about daylight saves us for once
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*