Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Answer my phone? No thanks.

I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.

Target employee: Describe your lost item

Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside

I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on

[labels account “18+”]

[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]

[When your mom calls you by your full name]

Mom: Scoobert Doobert!

Scooby: Ruh roh

[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.

Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..

The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers

Me: How do you like your new bed?

Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!

Me: What?

Dog: Wut

To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:

Don’t
Be
On
Fire

Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me!

[Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting

can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock

Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.

fedex driver: can i get a name?

sauron: i have many names

fedex driver: ok i just need one tho

Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?

For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?

I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years

*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit

Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!

“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”

Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?

ME: welcome to my man cave.

PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.

😂😂

my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ

also my brain: John F. Cennedy

ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken

Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.

◾️

Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”

*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*

There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.

A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.

Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings