Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!

I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.

BaD BoY!!

Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.

Need WebMD

am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise

All right stop, coagulate and thicken

Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!

bird keeper: ok hear me out.

I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.

And I’ve started drinking for evil.

76 vanilla wafers later.

“I don’t like these.”

Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.

“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward

I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.

Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again

-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target

My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse

It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.

I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.

It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.

Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?

Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?

Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”

Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?

Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER

Prisoner: damn that’s cold

[getting completely dominated in a street fight]

ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules

I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.

Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?

TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog

Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*

Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit

A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?

Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭

*tries to be less adorable*

*fails*

I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.

Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”

[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this