Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cheer up.

*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*

*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*

I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.

When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.

BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.

Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:

(from the bottom of a well) is this the trap

*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”

Daddy can u get me a drink?

“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”

Fine *goes to fridge

“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”

I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.

There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!

Read to your child.

#Mothersday #booklovers

[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP

She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.

JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.

[Speed dating]

Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!

9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this

anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship

Make me look younger

Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles

Game theory professor: w- what

If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.

One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.

My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves

Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker

Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.

Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.

If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.

Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats

I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.

“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic

Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”