Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.

[job interview]

“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”

Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?

The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture

Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?

Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour

[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline

I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.

Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell

Me: so I get to be the devil

Therapist: no absolutely no-

Me: Very cool

Therapist: wait but

Me: incredibly cool

[at Taco Bell]

Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE

Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ

“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.

Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick

What do you call an upset reindeer?

Caribou-hoo.

*Ba-dum-tsss

Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.

I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting

DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.

I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.

The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.

*glamorously folds laundry

*seductively wipes off countertops

*slowly bends over to pick up toys

*sexily trips over the cat…

I built a tricycle pram tonight

*adds bike mechanic to the resume*

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: lol nerd

Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.

me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously

personal trainer: *just glares*

If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old

“This is all water! Now that was misleading”

-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.

my favorite genre of twitter

I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.

“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*

Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are

Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.

Her: Oh, you don’t drink?

Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…