Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
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Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!