Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
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Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Are we there yet?…
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
When you’ve simply given up.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.