Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
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Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Got fired from my job at the zoo because I kept trying to wax the turtles
If you love someone, let them sleep.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones