Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
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Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.