boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
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ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”