boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
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the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
(skipping class)
friend: what about the hall minotaurs?
me: you mean hall monitors?
*slow stomping noises*
My patience has stretch marks.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
I hate my earbuds.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no