Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me

Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more

Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster

Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security

Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI

*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest

It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.

Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem

February 27th, 2020.

I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.

Never give up on your dreams, kids.

You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.

10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute

me: *laughs in dial-up*

I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.

“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”

Drunks and 1 year olds.

I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to

I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.

just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond

I really want a family

sized bag of peanut butter m&ms

I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.

If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.

I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another

I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.

A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.

TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent

[emptying spam]

ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?

Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.

My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.

That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.

How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.

Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.

Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”

Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”

hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him

[first day as a getaway driver]

ME: how did I do

BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there