Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
You Might Also Like
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?