boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
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I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Making my boyfriend stop everything he’s doing to look at a picture of a really big lemon i saw in 2019. and then he has to go “that’s such a big lemon” or else I will act weird for 7 hours
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”
But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Dishonest mechanic?
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?