Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.

Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no

You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?

Mosquitos

Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart

Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk

How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻‍♀️

Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets

I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.

*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*

If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.

*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*

Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.

After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet

My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…

“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean

unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)

My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.

I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that

to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors

I’m not sure I like progress.

I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”

We don’t deserve birds.

With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival

No one comes over anymore :/

[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”

*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”

My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.

I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.

american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere

“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”

I’m gonna need a lot more than that.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.