boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
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Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Free will was a bad idea.
I should have charged for it.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Almost just got hit by an ambulance, which would have been handy I guess.
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