Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
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[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today